Day 22

After dealing with issues for years I have come to a realization which is the subtitle for today's blog

Subtitled: Some times relationship problems really stem from the one's we have with our parents!


long subtitle eh? lol couldn't really come up with a shorter way of putting this topic.  As some of you know I have been dealing with a lot of issues with one of my parents for many many many years.  What will probably surprise you is the issues with my relationships with women actually stem from my relationship with my Father, contrary to the usual problems men have with relationships with their mother.

You see the relationship I have had with my dad has always been... how to put this... to say it has been crap would be putting it extremely nicely lol.  Just some short history, my dad has always been abusive to every one around him, he is emotionally stunted mostly cause he raised himself, he has the mind of a child and even that is giving him too much credit.  I decided when I was 12 that I could never love the man, but would honor him as my father because it is what I am supposed to do.  I spent my childhood protecting my mom and my brother from him by picking fights with him when he was angered by them so he would take his anger out on me instead of them.  I then spent the last 10 years of my adult hood trying to patch things up and try to get a real relationship to grow with him.  The road as proven almost impossible to travel.

Now I find that I must protect my children from his wrath much the same way I had to protect my mother and brother.  He has no intentions of changing, and will not admit there is even a problem.  I am tired of fighting with him to protect my family.  I have spent the last 18 years in almost constant conflict with him and I am at the end of my rope.

Why do I bring this up?  well as I have said before this blog and this year away from dating is to learn how to find healthy relationships and how to let go of unhealthy ones.  I have come to realize the most unhealthy one I have had in my life is the one I have had with my father, and if I am ever to learn how to avoid unhealthy relationships, to find some one that wont abuse me I am going to have to get rid of the one person in my life who has abused me and my family the most. 

Before any one freaks by reading this, no he hasn't touched the kids, never touched my brother, and only hit my mom Once that I know of (only because I wasnt quick enough)  but he has hit me and fought with me many many times.  I am exhausted with being the hero against his anger, and I am done with being his whipping boy.  I have to put him out of my life and just cut my losses.  10 years ago every one left him and just cut him out of their lives but I have been spending all of that time trying to keep working at forming some thing that resembles a relationship, but I have to think of the kids.  I never wanted them to have to grow up like I did, It is just time to let go of him, forgive him for what he has done and put myself in a better place where he cannot harm my family any more. 

So now it's up to me to find a place to go to where he will have no influence, instead of living in a house which he is helping me buy just so he can control me by lording over my head the threat that he can kick me out when ever he wants.  as most of you know I am in the lower end of the pay scales when it comes to my income so now I have to spend the next weeks, or months trying to find a place that has some sort of stability that I can afford to attempt to support my children with out his help.


This will be a stressful step but ultimately one that will go along way to helping me put an end to this vicious cycle of allowing myself to be put in situations where people take advantage of me, to the point to where they realize they can do what ever they want to me as my ex realized shortly after we had been married.


Till next time, here is hoping the next post will be a much more positive one.  Not every step in making a change as big as this one is going to be pleasant but just because its difficult does not mean we should shy away from what we know will ultimately produce a better us.

now off to watch Chuck to lighten my mood! lol

TTFN!

-365daysnowomen