Day 31

(whew there is a lot on my plate lately lol)

Ok once again for my non Christian followers I once more have to go on what I have been taught so bare with me here lol.

This one shall be subtitled: The Silver Lining!

(have I used this one before?)

There is a ministry course I am helping with at the Church called ALPHA (as I have stated before) in that course (created by Nicky Gumbel) they do an excellent explanation as for why God allows suffering in this world.  They list 3 reasons I am going to give the short hand version but nothing I will say can really shed a true light with all the examples they have listed, if you want to know more about this I encourage you all to find an ALPHA course near you (its taught world wide) and find out every thing for yourselves. http://www.alphana.org/

The 3 reasons they list for suffering are

1. the suffering we face because of personal sin: we have all made bad decisions in our lives some times the suffering we face is because of those choices.
2. The suffering because of the sins of others:  some times we are victim of suffering because of other people's sins that are in our lives.
3. The suffering because this is an imperfect world:  When Adam and Eve introduced sin into the world it became an imperfect world.

With that in mind there is hope a silver lining, God cares for all of us deeply he loves us that he gave his son for us, and like in Job more than compensates us for our suffering.

In one of the books from ALPHA it tells a story:

Gavin Reid, the Bishop of Maidstone, tells of a  boy in his congregation who shattered his back falling down the stairs at the age of one.  For years, he had been in and out of the hospital.  When Gavin interviewed him in church, the boy remarked that God is fair.  Gavin stopped him and asked, "How old are you?"
The boy replied, "Seventeen."
"How many years have you spent in the hospital?"
The boy answered, "Thirteen years."
He was asked, "Do you think that is fair?"
He Replied, "god's got all of eternity to make it up to me."

With that boy's story in mind, with his courage and faith in his heart, I cant help but find my own problems and fears are small in comparison.  What the boy said is perfectly true, even if we don't find our blessings in this life we will certainly find rewards vast in number in the next life when the world has been reformed. 

My strongest fear has always been dying alone, never knowing love, but there is another love that has no earthly origin, that is far greater than I could ever wish for.  If I never find the love of a woman in this life I know that I will find my rewards, my content, my bliss in the next life, because my heart belongs to him!

Blessings.

-365daysnowomen

Day 22

After dealing with issues for years I have come to a realization which is the subtitle for today's blog

Subtitled: Some times relationship problems really stem from the one's we have with our parents!


long subtitle eh? lol couldn't really come up with a shorter way of putting this topic.  As some of you know I have been dealing with a lot of issues with one of my parents for many many many years.  What will probably surprise you is the issues with my relationships with women actually stem from my relationship with my Father, contrary to the usual problems men have with relationships with their mother.

You see the relationship I have had with my dad has always been... how to put this... to say it has been crap would be putting it extremely nicely lol.  Just some short history, my dad has always been abusive to every one around him, he is emotionally stunted mostly cause he raised himself, he has the mind of a child and even that is giving him too much credit.  I decided when I was 12 that I could never love the man, but would honor him as my father because it is what I am supposed to do.  I spent my childhood protecting my mom and my brother from him by picking fights with him when he was angered by them so he would take his anger out on me instead of them.  I then spent the last 10 years of my adult hood trying to patch things up and try to get a real relationship to grow with him.  The road as proven almost impossible to travel.

Now I find that I must protect my children from his wrath much the same way I had to protect my mother and brother.  He has no intentions of changing, and will not admit there is even a problem.  I am tired of fighting with him to protect my family.  I have spent the last 18 years in almost constant conflict with him and I am at the end of my rope.

Why do I bring this up?  well as I have said before this blog and this year away from dating is to learn how to find healthy relationships and how to let go of unhealthy ones.  I have come to realize the most unhealthy one I have had in my life is the one I have had with my father, and if I am ever to learn how to avoid unhealthy relationships, to find some one that wont abuse me I am going to have to get rid of the one person in my life who has abused me and my family the most. 

Before any one freaks by reading this, no he hasn't touched the kids, never touched my brother, and only hit my mom Once that I know of (only because I wasnt quick enough)  but he has hit me and fought with me many many times.  I am exhausted with being the hero against his anger, and I am done with being his whipping boy.  I have to put him out of my life and just cut my losses.  10 years ago every one left him and just cut him out of their lives but I have been spending all of that time trying to keep working at forming some thing that resembles a relationship, but I have to think of the kids.  I never wanted them to have to grow up like I did, It is just time to let go of him, forgive him for what he has done and put myself in a better place where he cannot harm my family any more. 

So now it's up to me to find a place to go to where he will have no influence, instead of living in a house which he is helping me buy just so he can control me by lording over my head the threat that he can kick me out when ever he wants.  as most of you know I am in the lower end of the pay scales when it comes to my income so now I have to spend the next weeks, or months trying to find a place that has some sort of stability that I can afford to attempt to support my children with out his help.


This will be a stressful step but ultimately one that will go along way to helping me put an end to this vicious cycle of allowing myself to be put in situations where people take advantage of me, to the point to where they realize they can do what ever they want to me as my ex realized shortly after we had been married.


Till next time, here is hoping the next post will be a much more positive one.  Not every step in making a change as big as this one is going to be pleasant but just because its difficult does not mean we should shy away from what we know will ultimately produce a better us.

now off to watch Chuck to lighten my mood! lol

TTFN!

-365daysnowomen